Why do People Lose Interest in their Spouse after a Couple of Years In Marriage?

 

In life, one thing has always been said to remain constant and that is CHANGE. We all start out doing something, but we don’t remain the same as we progress. The one thing that happens in the process is change. You are either changing for good as a result of the positive influence whatever you are experiencing is having on you or you are changing for worse for whatever reason that might be. In all, we change at some point.

In marriage, when you first start, the feeling of the newness of marriage takes you through the first few months. Some people still don’t even make it past the first few months before dissolving the marriage. But for those who stay for those few months, you understand what I mean by “the newness of the marriage.”

At some point, you both get relaxed towards each other and stop making real efforts to please each other like you once used to, because the actions are getting too repetitive and that can get tiring for a lot of people. So, what happens at this point? You want different and you can’t seem to get it because your partner is not the type that’s spontaneous to give you the kind of difference you want at this point in your marriage.

What do you think will happen at this point?

For a lady or guy with good moral, you might hold on to this feeling while trying to see if you can get any different. But this difference won’t come, so you will end up resenting your partner for not being able to give you this different that you want, especially when you have friends who seem to get this same thing you want, but can’t seem to be getting it from your partner.

Now, what are these things that am talking about? They cut across emotional needs, financial needs, material needs and otherwise. The needs can be unimaginable sometimes but they are needs and if not met…over time this feeling turn to resentment and resentment most times, makes people withdraw from a lot of the regular things that make the relationship fun in the first place. If one partner is the one feeling this resentment, over time, they start to act it out because the feeling can’t stay bottled up forever. At some point, a good venting outlet would show up and it would be a perfect time to take advantage of it. Even if you try to hold back the resentment, somehow, you will display it in action and no matter how subtle you do it, at some point, your partner will start to notice the trails.

If your partner is not extra understanding to confront you in a loving way, that might turn out to be one of the nastiest experiences your relationship might record in its history.

The more unresolved issues that pile up can lead to so much resentment build up in any of the partners that can lead to one becoming a toxic person in a relationship without even knowing it.

I’m writing this article, not that I have mastered the art of marriage, but from my experience so far and studying the marriages that have worked, I’ve seen that there is a lot of letting go of things through divine understanding that only comes through God’s grace. I feel a lot of times, you have to really understand, apply forgiveness and override your feelings with love. These are not things a normal human can just do. At some point, you’ll break down and want out, but when God’s grace is added to the mix, your understanding goes beyond the regular human definition of what “today’s” love now is.

Then, when you forgive, your heart truly doesn’t hold back what you’ve released. And when you love, you feel a shot of happiness in your heart because you know it is the right love.

You see, the sad part to this truth is that you may be feeling all this new sense of knowing and understanding and your partner is not in that headspace. I know some people may say that. Well, let me tell you something, human life is meant to be influenced and shaped. It may be hard to change anybody but when you give someone a good experience long enough, they start to get used to it and reciprocate it as a norm.

The question is, do you have the mental power to keep dishing out good, irrespective of your spouse's input or lack of input, as long as it takes to have them conform?

The answer is yes! But it's a hard one. That is why a lot of people don’t really succeed in doing it for long because they say, it takes two to tango. So if you get someone who doesn’t even look like they are understanding all the good you are dishing out…well, resort to the final option – Marriage Counsellor.

If you really want to make sense of everything I’m saying, here is a shortlist to make the idea concise.

1. Too Many Expectations: this is a prerequisite for a crash and burn. Keep those expectations minimal and simply lookout for how extra sweet you can be in the relationship.
   
   
2. Unmet Expectations: These come in all kinds like I said earlier. It could be sexual, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, social…just mention it. And when the comparison is thrown into the mix, it makes things worse.
   
   
3. Having no Identity before Entering Marriage: this mostly happens to women. They enter marriage only to be self-aware after. This can lead to regrets which lead to resentment and eventually (if not properly managed), hatred and you know where the end destination of that is.
   
   
4. Realizing you Married Wrong: I guess this point was somewhat covered in the previous point. When you realize that you married wrong, it won’t be long before you start losing your happiness and you are likely to blame it on your spouse thinking they robbed you of your happiness. Whereas, it’s all in how you decided to see and react to things, sometimes and a lot of times…it is what it is, though. So, I can’t judge.
   
   
5. Men not Getting Care: Women naturally think men don’t deserve the extra pamper they request. Men may come out looking stoic and unbending, but deep down there is a mushy human being waiting to be loved on.
   
   
6. Being a Chronic Sadist: this is mostly related to men. There are some men who never see any reason to smile. It’s always a blue day in their world and nothing brightens it and even if one makes an effort to make things better, you might end up becoming a scapegoat for the day. See why this can make conflict almost unavoidable in some homes?
   
   
7. Infertility: If I not because I have written so many captions and copies from managing a fertility page, I probably won’t have this in the list because I’ve never considered it a problem because it hasn’t happened to anyone close to me. You know that ignorant feeling, right? Well, I know better now because I’ve read a lot about the impact infertility have on a lot of homes. It actually is one of the major causes of breakups of marriages in some countries and people don’t often talk about it. The strain infertility puts on a relationship can be overwhelming for a couple that’s not rooted and grounded in the same belief system.
   
   
8. No Fun: life is not the same for everyone (life no balance), that is a normal thing we all know. But when you look at it again, the margin at which life is not the same for everyone can be so high and wide apart depending on location. Let’s say you live in Nigeria and have a brother that lives in America. You both do the exact same thing as a career, who do you think will excel more in their respective career considering location? If one succeeds in their career, we can as well say they are financially stable. In marriage, you need stable and increasing finance if you want to keep having fun because things are not getting any cheaper.
   
   

If you live in a challenging country like mine, my prayers are with you and I hope that you find the strength to do the right thing to keep the fun and hope in your marriage alive.